Regrettably, a lot of women still remain in abused relationships and keep silent about it, insisting that they love their husbands and would prefer to stay for the sake of their children. This was the same rationale many grand-mothers (and mothers) made when they endured years of extensive emotional and physical abuse in their marriages many decades ago. Another often cited excuse by women who suffer domestic violence is that due to their low self esteem, they are afraid to start a family all over again if they leave their husbands whom they are dependent on financially.
Be that as it may, it is only a few cases of domestic violence that make it to the limelight that provokes such a heated backlash, fury and widespread condemnation. Unfortunately, by that time, the victim (in most cases women) may be dead as a result of the injuries sustained through severe beatings. If she’s lucky to be alive, her once beautiful face would be disfigured; her self esteem may be destroyed; she may be psychologically traumatised, and her scars would be a painful and permanent reminder of the many years of prolonged physical abuse.
However, the perennial question remains: What would make a man maltreat his wife whom he professed to love till eternity? In the same vein, what would make a woman stab her once loving husband repeatedly to death?
On the surface, women are considered the weaker sex, and men who hit their women for any reason are the real weaklings. Generally, most men tend to assert their control in the home, by ensuring that their wives obey them at all times. They reason that leadership is a one way process that needs to be enforced with the use of threat or by force. Such men believe women are truly meant to be submissive to men. Religion and culture has always been used as a tenable excuse to perpetuate the notion that men are vastly superior to women. With this mindset, since “superiority” equates to authority, then it follows that the person bestowed with such authority is the leader or “head of the house”.
Once these men begin to lose grip of their authority when the wife becomes confrontational, such men reason that the only way to regain that authority is to act violently.
By doing so, they haven’t in effect regained that authority. They have in the real sense of the word, lost control of it. For when a man boldly questions his leadership at home, in reality, he isn’t certain whether his authority is cemented or not. Respect for a leader is not gained by force. It has to be earned. Any man who treats his wife with respect, love, dignity and care will attract the same measure back from his wife. It is in the nature of women to multiply what is given to them.
For example, if a man sows love, he will attract it back in so many ways. A real man and reasonable gentleman will provide, protect and care for his family. He will plan, in conjunction with his wife, the future direction and progress of his family. This kind of man need not declare boldly that he is the man, or ” head of the house”. His leadership qualities will shine through unannounced, albeit recognised all the same without him resorting to violence.
Psychologists affirm that violence is a result of loss of control not usually supported by logic. In other words, violence is outside the realm of rationality. An individual that has no control over their behaviour or emotions, nor care much about the consequences of their actions, is someone that is likely to resort to violence. In the main, it is an uncontrollable emotion, and lashing out violently is an outlet to express their pent up frustration and anger.
Since there is a generally accepted universal law that protects the fundamental human rights of individuals, this law covers areas of assault and grievous bodily harm (GBH), as well as child and spousal abuse, amongst others. In addition, it would be expedient to see laws enacted to protect women who are abused. Of course, the law should equally be protective of husbands who suffer domestic violence from their wives as well. In addition, a sex offenders and domestic violence offenders database should be collated. Given the flexibility of the Freedon of Information Act (FoI), individuals should be free to access the database during courtship and before they head towards the altar with any man or woman. However, it is one thing to pass the appropriate laws, and quite another to implement them. Regardless, something needs to be done by the legislators to arrest this condemnable atrocity from spinning out of control. And very quickly too.
As highlighted earlier, men have allowed culture, and for the most part religion, to seduce their sensibilities into thinking that they are superior to women. In Nigeria, it is a statement of fact that we live in a male dominated society (which extends throughout Africa) where women are looked down upon by men, and at times spoken to and affronted in a disrespectful manner in public.
Not surprisingly, the misguided and intellectually lightweight concept that women are inferior to men rings shallow, and continues to sound like a broken off beat record. The truth is cold and bitter, but it has never been unhealthy when swallowed. We are in the 21st century and no longer in the dark ages. How many cases of accomplished women have we heard whose singular worth and value is immeasurably greater than 20 able men? To all intents and purposes, how many men have spoken out against domestic violence or child abuse in our society? This is a serious subject matter that needs to be on the radar of national discourse. However, this does not seem to be the case. Unknown to them, it could be the turn of their sisters, or daughters who are physically abused. What then?
Truth be told, wife beaters
do not deserve to be called men. They inadvertently give other good men a bad name. Clearly too, they are a bad advertisement for fatherhood. Which daughter in her right senses would pray that her abusive father will be a role model for her future husband to be?
For women who remain in abusive relationships, the message is clear: your once prince charming will continue to harm you and not charm you any longer. It’s not about love anymore. That died ages ago. Your self esteem is being adversely affected. Quite possibly, your once cherished freedom is under lock and key as well. Most certainly, this is not the marital contract you signed for. As a woman, you are a jewel of inestimable value. A queen that deserves to be placed on a pedestal of love, respect and glory. For a beloved wife is the crown that adorns the head of her husband, if only the husband recognises and acknowledges this fact. You deserve no less than this. And the sooner you realise this, the better for your self worth.
To the wives who had the courage to escape the clutches of their abusive husbands, that was a wise decision. Nonetheless, it wasn’t an easy decision to make, but you were brave to have done it. There’s nothing stopping you now from rebuilding your lives and starting over again. Nowadays, there are many NGO’s who provide support, shelter and counselling for abused women.
To this end, and to safeguard the welfare of abused women, a lot of women need to be empowered educationally from the grassroots level. Lectures and seminars need to be held in schools to address the menace of domestic violence and to dissuade male teenagers from condoning this behaviour. Female students should also be well informed about the implications of staying in an abusive relationship.
Equally too, public lectures need to be given to rural men and women, and taken to the mainstream corporate sector that violence should not be tolerated in all facets of society. More importantly, a radical mindset change in men who have a tendency to be abusive towards women, can help kick this detestable habit to the curb.
Most important of all, women should be enlightened that they should not be financially dependent on men. They should learn a trade from the various skills acquisition centres available to them. Added to this, they need to improve their personal development on a consistent basis. This will enable them to be self sufficient and independent. In return, it will improve their self worth and esteem.
All male abusers also need to admit that they have a chronic anger problem that needs to be addressed. They need to enlist themselves in an anger management class, and attend counselling sessions where this problem can be seriously addressed and solutions to the problem proffered.
Similarly, all men who suffer abuse in relationships either emotional or physical, and who suffer in silence for fear of being ridiculed, should seek counselling as well. No woman or man deserves to be subjected to spousal abuse. It is dehumanising, inexcusable, wholly unacceptable and downright barbaric in a supposedly civilised society as ours.
